Today, a good friend of mine offered to repaint my house while I was at work. I thought it looked a lovely shade of brown. Then I read in the papers he has been arrested for smearing his shit on someone elses house. I need new friends!

Today, my friends got mad at me because I sometimes need to save the bank and I show up late. I need new friends!

Today, I let my dog lick my balls. she is a good dog, why do they make fun of me? I need new friends!

Today, a group of friends called me and two of my other friends the gay burrito. I don't know why, it's cool to have slumber parties with your 30+ year old friends? We just have a special friendship, not a gay burrito. I need new friends!

Today, my freinds told me how cool it was to stick ecstacy pills up thier ass. so I tried it and come to find out they were full of shit, now I am gay because I did it. I need new friends!

Today, was my birthday and my friends made me my favorite video of an Indian pop star, right in the middle of the video, it cuts into a clip of a girl talking about how average my dick is...I need new friends!

Today, my friends duct taped up and made me their party mascot. Once I escaped, they threw me through a fence and then taped beers to my hands, at least I got to drink. I need new friends!

Today, I left my wallet in my truck. My friend made a store run. When he came back he handed me $32 and said thanks for dinner. It was the change from the $100 I had in my wallet. I need new friends!

Today, my friend ask me if i could push on his stomach to help him with a dump. I need new friends!

Today my Russian girl friends invited me around to their apartment for sex. When I got there they made me listen to 3 hours of Charlie Parker - they were talking about SAX! I need new friends!